OOOHH SEXY!

Occasionally I check my gmail spam as I put things up for sale online and things go in there sometimes by mistake. Here's one that still makes me guffaw hours later (and bear in mind that I didn't open the email but read only the title and subject):

From: Flora Skinner
Subject: Really cool photos! Good morning dear friend, watch my tits! Best regards.

And best regards to you too, Flora, but sorry, I didn't bother checking out your tits... or maybe I've got Flora all wrong and she's an ornithologist...

Swimming amongst the sputum

I was in the local swimming baths for my twice-weekly 45 minutes of leisurely breast-stroke. As I neared the far end I saw this gathering of gunk floating on the surface. At first, I dismissed it as a simple gathering of bubbles but as I got nearer, I realised it was in fact what must have a been a thorough clearing of someones's throat or nose - or perhaps both. It looked a little bit like the white version of all that seaweed that is taking over the Aegean sea.

I steered round it and ploughed on but my heart was no longer in it and I got out shortly after. It seems that the Japanese behave kindly and respectfully to their fellow humans in most situations, apart from when they're stealing bikes and umbrellas or not washing their hands in public lavatories. Added to this should now be creating oil-slick sized lakes of sputum in public baths. I haven't been back since.

The mod is coming

I've been in Tokyo 5 years and tonight I think I spotted my first Mod, on a scooter. At first I thought it was a Christmas tree coming down the road, then I realised it was in fact a wildly overdressed Lambretta with about 25 headlights. I looked at its rider - a paunchy 30 something who ought to know better - and shook my head theatrically from side to side and mouthed "you've got to be fucking kidding" - spiteful, I know, but people have gotta learn, right?